Detroit Burger Guide

Motz-
The leader of the pack. Smallish soft white buns toasted on a greasy flat-top. Freshly-packed quality meat patties. Milkshakes and malts. I’ve been warned against the Wineburger, though it calls out to me every trip. Friends mutter something about boxed wine, but I’m usually not paying attention at that point. I’m lost in my own mind... the top dog. Motz King. The first real man to order the Wineburger, passing the last bite through a proud smile. On a recent trip we tried talking to the burgerladies about recent developments in the area. Slows’ success. The MCB opening and closing. They said they keep meaning to head down that way, but they haven’t made the trip yet. I think the drive takes six minutes. It is on the way to downtown (about eight minutes from their spot). Something tells me they don’t do the downtown Detroit thing either, so we dropped that topic as well. Now its just burgers and hello and great burgers and yes, I'll take a shake. The Motz burger can be eaten in less than four bites but its impression will last for days. Hurry up and eat some.



Campau Tower-
You can smoke in there and if you catch it right you can hear the local (ex-) labor force calling the play-by-play along Joseph Campau. Things like trucks and delivery trucks and tow trucks. And the commentators make impressive comments like “safe driver, yeah right” and “No way. Can’t pull that.” I’m serious. You name it, they doubt it. Every day. No truck is an honest truck along Joseph Campau. Campau Tower is a place you can really learn something. But back to the burgers, since I guess that’s really the point of this- think small like Motz. And then settle in and wait for a good 30 or 40 minutes. Everything in there is brown, so you will really love the wait. There is only one lady and she has to light a cigarette and flip a patty and talk trash to the local gentlemen. She will complete the entire transaction with another customer before even taking your order. Hey, its one way to make sure you don’t mix up orders. Only I think she needs to find yet another way- she always seems to forget an order of fries or something. And all the while some "artist" sits in the corner repeating all things the tallest of the ex-workers says. And finally, after a while, you get your burger(s). Small. Pretty good. But always bits of gristle. The deal there is the late night burger. Hamtramck. Home of hundreds of bars in just over hundreds of buildings (well, almost). So plenty of ways to gather up a hunger for a late-night burger. Best part is, I think they remove all the gristle by hand for the late night burgers- you won’t be pulling out any fatty pieces whatsoever. Just straight goodness and delight. Promise.


Check out Ukranian Disneyland after. Its in a nearby alley.



Bronx Bar-

Its dark in there. Whenever you go in there it is dark. Lunch: dark. Dinner: dark. The later you stay into the night, the darker they make it. By stages, every 20-25 minutes. I have never seen a staff change the dimness of its lights more frequently than the Bronx Bar folks. But the 2 juke boxes are stocked, you can get your haircut on Thursdays, and you can get the cherished Bronx Burger. The bun cannot be touched. It’s a masterpiece. This is a much bigger patty than the Motz or Campau Tower burgers. Definitely not a slider. It is big and juicy but its not gonna put you into a food coma. You need to add some Blatz’s for that. It has L/T/M on it and pickle slices on the side. The bun is very streamlined and thins out at two ends. It makes the burger very approachable. Note this: a good burger is one that you can fit into your mouth. I don’t care how much some loudmouth hollers about how much he loves a huge burger, if you can’t get your mouth around the thing it cannot please you. So picture this: the first few bites are as close to a perfect ratio of bun:meat:bun as you can imagine. In the middle, things thicken up just a bit, but taper back toward the golden ratio at the end. If you can manage to eat a Bronx Burger and have less than 3 Blatz’s, I guarantee you will walk out into brightness filled with complete satisfaction.


Redcoat Tavern-
I think the menu has 146 different burger choices. I have only gotten the signature one. It is classic. It has some kind of pink sauce (hmmm... thousand island? always tasty) on a patty about the size of a Bronx burger. Fountain cokes. Again, dark (I have found my first trend: big burgers, no windows; small burgers, windows). Red booths and people and tv’s around the bar. You will not find the same level of authenticity at the Redcoat as you will find at the other places, but you will find a V.T.B.(Very Tasty Burger).


Miller’s-
Burger on wax paper. No dish. No paper plate. No wax baggie. One sheet (una hoja) between soft bun and weathered bartop. That's a statemtent. We notice, and we thank you. Slider burger (Motz, Campau Tower). A jar of sliced pickles for each and every one of us (!). No windows. But it is light in there (yellow and stuff) – so I guess they can take their pick of burger size. My one criticism: fries are distinctly tasteless. Maybe they are the frozen kind, or maybe just bland. All I remember is they seemed to get in the way of the “slider on wax” show. I think Miller's has deer heads and a bunch of mirrors behind the bar. I’m pretty sure there were Christmas lights hanging everywhere. And I’m pretty sure there was a lot of yellow. All or none of those things could be true and I’m sure if you looked these elements up in your psychology textbooks you’d find they say more about me and my subconscious than about what Miller’s is really like. But if you go there and try the fries, you’ll know that I haven’t lost it altogether.


Joey’s-
Aka Joey’s Meatcutter Inn. Aka Cutters. If its not painted black in Joey’s, it’s because it’s a mirror and black paint won’t stick. There’s no “windows” proper in Cutter’s but there are three video screens showing you live footage of your car on the other side of the brick wall from you. There’s also a bunch of racing memorabilia and a bunch of beer mirrors. And the trophies. All for poker. My friend asked if he could take one home and the waitress said the owner would kill him if he did. Said he wouldn’t care if someone came in and robbed the registers, but if they took a trophy they would get killed. The staff is great at Cuttter’s- they give nobody an easy time and they can remember anything you care to order without writing a thing down. Now the burger selection at Joey’s is the most impressive in Detroit. I have a theory that it gets the “Inn” part of its name from offering rooms to rent for the people who successfully ate 2 lb burgers in the past but I haven’t confirmed that yet. That said, you can get a half # burger, a one # burger and a two # burger at Joey’s. But I don’t know why you would. The half pounder with a High Life is all you need. If you catch it right, Joey’s will be playing the best mix of R&B with Johnny Cash you’ve ever heard. I’m serious about that- the R&B tracks I heard in there last time were solid gold. And somehow staggering them with Johnny Cash worked.

This post is a.k.a. cheeseburger in paradise, burgerworld, and patty party.